


You Belong Somewhere You'll Feel Free

by rachelsdl (nolanpatty)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Basically Canon compliance up to tws, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky is hella sad, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sad Bois in love, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Steve and Sam are partners, Steve is hella sad, based off the song wildflowers by tom petty or miley cyrus or the wailin jennys take your pick, idk marvel kinda sucked post tws so we staying in the glory days, takes place betweent tws and civil war or like...this is what happens instead of civil war i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23472598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nolanpatty/pseuds/rachelsdl
Summary: “Right, well,” Bucky leans against the counter, casual. Like there's not two super soldiers built for killing standing in this small apartment. “I’m sure you want me to come back with you. I’m sure you think if I come with you everything will work it’s way out. I’m sure you haven’t thought about how the US government would almost certainly charge me for war crimes. So forgive me, when I tell you, I won’t be coming with you.”Steve swallows. Bucky was right. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t think past finding Bucky, because he’d known in the back of his mind that finding Bucky was slim. And finding a Bucky that remembered who he was was even slimmer.“I’m not gonna leave, Buck,” Steve finally decides on.“I know.” Bucky clasps his hands together. “So we’re at a pretty weird spot, no? I’m not going with you, and you’re not leaving. So what do we do?”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 13
Kudos: 100





	You Belong Somewhere You'll Feel Free

Sam Wilson knew Steve Rogers. And if Sam Wilson knew only one thing  _ about _ Steve Rogers, it’s that he’s a terrible liar (at least to those closest to him). Over the past year or so of Sam and Steve’s journey to find The Winter Soldier, somewhere along the way, Sam knows Steve found what he was looking for. Why Sam doesn’t know the exact moment or place in time is because Steve to this day refuses to admit that he found Bucky. 

Steve and Sam continue to traipse around the globe following clue after clue. Either something Steve’s heard from Shield or maybe a trail of breadcrumbs they’ve picked up along the way, or something Nat’s slipped them when no one was looking. But some time between month four and six, something changed. Steve’s trying his damnedest to hide it, and while he’s shit at lying, he is making it at least mostly subtle. And this is the reason why Sam doesn’t know the exact moment Steve found Bucky. Or why he doesn’t just say something to Sam about it. 

See, somewhere along the line, Steve’s shoulders relaxed. Steve smiled more. Steve started laughing again. Somewhere around month four or five, he started joking around. He’d give Sam too much shit for little mess ups. Sam would maybe say that this Steve Rogers is the Steve Rogers he’d met that day on his run where he’d been lapped by Steve so many times. He’d been dying trying to catch his breath, and Steve was barely breaking a sweat. He’d say that’s the Steve with him now, but it’s  _ not.  _ If Sam had to guess who was standing next to him every day, he’d guess it’s something more akin to early 1940s Brooklyn boy Steve Rogers, best friend to James Buchanan Barnes, if he’d ever had the pleasure of meeting him. He can’t be sure, but Steve seems more comfortable in his skin than he ever has before. And Sam knows  _ why.  _

They’re somewhere in Prague. They’re having breakfast at a fancy cafe that’s a couple streets down from their apartment they’re rented out for the month or so they’ll be there. And Steve is particularly lighthearted and silly this morning. He knows something Sam doesn’t, and it’s annoying. 

“So what’s on the agenda today, Cap?” Sam asks unconcerned as he sips his coffee. It’s delicious, by the way, with notes of berry and dark chocolate. Sam didn’t used to be fussy over coffee, but spending close to a year traveling Europe and eating at beautiful cafes almost daily will do it to you. Especially when Steve’s the traveling companion, and he’s still trying to enjoy the best parts of the new world he’s been thrust into.  _ Coffee never used to taste this good, Sam _ Steve had told him so many times, Sam can’t even keep track anymore. 

“Oh, um,” Steve mumbles for a moment, fiddling with a newspaper he’d picked up on a stand down outside the cafe. “Just um, some recon, I guess, yeah.” 

Sam raised an eyebrow at his partner, “Don’t sound too sure of yourself there, Steve.”

Steve coughs to cover his discomfort, “We’re doing recon today.” He at least says it with more confidence this time. 

Sam rolls his eyes, “Where we headed to? Where’s your boy today?”

Steve readily blushes red, “He’s not my boy.” 

Sam is not going to make it through the day without getting his eyes permanently stuck rolling upwards to the heavens. Someone, send the man help. “Right, whatever you say Steve. That was clearly not even the main objective. Where are we going?” Sam asks again.

“Right.” Steve sets his newspaper down, and folds it neatly. “There’s a cathedral a couple blocks west that we need to go look at.”

“What? You think Barnes is going to church now?”

Steve laughs, “God no, Bucky wouldn’t be caught dead in a church after the age fifteen.” Steve looks out the cafe window fondly, remembering something. 

“So then…” Sam doesn’t have the patience for this today, “What are we doing going to a cathedral?”

Steve shrugs. “I just want to see it.”

Sam heaves a sigh and leans back in his chair before crossing his arms tightly. “Steve, what are we doing here?”

Steve looks at him confused, “What do you mean? We’re trying to find Bucky.”

Sam nods. “Yeah, sure, we were. Maybe, three or four months ago.”

“What do you--” 

“Man, I am not stupid.” 

“I know you’re not…” Steve trails, clearly confused.

Sam eyes him for a long moment. “You really don’t think I know, do you?”

“Know what, Sam? I don’t know what you mean?”

“Where is Barnes?” Sam asks with absolutely no tact. 

Steve huffs for a moment, “What? I have no idea? That’s what we’re doing. Trying to find him!” It might be convincing enough if Steve’s cheeks weren’t beet red, and he could look Sam in the  eyes, but he can’t. He stares firmly down at his half finished omelet. He swallows thickly and then looks outside, avoiding Sam all together. 

“And yet you wanna go to a cathedral.” Sam raises his eyebrow again. “If you don’t know where Barnes is, you wouldn’t be spending frivolous time going to a cathedral, when you could be trying to catch up with him. We’ve been two or three steps behind Barnes everywhere we’ve gone, and yet you want to slow down and do some sightseeing? So when, Steve, are you going to stop lying to me?” Sam sighs. “Cus, man I’m getting real tired of being lied to by my own partner.” 

“I, Sam…”

Sam stares Steve down, daring him.  _ Lie to me again, you idiot, do it.  _

“He’s not in Prague, is he?” Sam asks. 

Steve doesn’t respond immediately. He spends some time staring out at the street of Prague, seeing the beautiful fall colors around them. Burnt oranges and deep reds, leaves amongst the cobblestone road. “I’ve just been thinking,” Steve says quietly, “about what happens if we find him?”

“You mean, what happens if you let other people find him?” Sam questions.

Steve finally meets his eyes, and he looks incredibly sad. His eyes hold a sheen they didn’t when breakfast started. Sam almost feels a twinge of guilt in his heart, but it’s been months, and they needed to talk about this. 

“Sam, I had to lie.” Steve says broken.

Sam shakes his head, “Not to me, Steve. You didn’t have to lie to me.”

  
“You know how many times Bucky saved my life?” Steve says quietly. “I can’t even count all the times. Every day in Brooklyn, he was there. He saved me when I was sick, and couldn’t take care of myself. He saved me when my ma passed, I didn’t think I could live without her. He saved me from every stupid fight I got into without thinking who I was up against. And when he wasn’t there to save me from the fight, he’d save me after and fix me up.” Steve chokes on something of a memory. “He didn’t need a war to save me, Sam. He didn’t need a sniper to watch my back. He just did. He just always was there, saving me. Like it meant nothing to do it. Like it cost him nothing. When it cost him  _ everything _ . We were twenty seven and still living together before war. He shoulda been married to some beautiful woman, taking care of a family. But he was still with me, making sure I made it to the next day. Making sure we had enough money to pay bills in the winter when it got too cold for me with my asthma.” Steve bites down  on his lip. “What do you do when you got a guy who makes a living saving you, and you can’t even save him once when it’s finally your turn?” 

“Steve, you couldn’t have known that Barnes would have survived the fall.” Sam tries to reason with his friend.

Steve shakes his head, “No, I couldn’t. But I could have followed him. I  _ should  _ have followed him, I think,” Steve shrugs for a moment. “Thought about it for a split second at least, and thought about how fucking selfish that’d be. Thought about how the Nazi’s were still gaing ground, and we were so close to getting Zola. And Hydra would be so crippled without him.” Steve makes a pained noise from somewhere in his throat. “I couldn’t have known, but I was willing. I would have followed him anywhere, even if it meant dying. I could have saved him. I would have saved him, Sam. I wanted to. I wanted to jump after him. But it was war, and in war you keep fighting until it’s time to win or surrender. So I kept fighting, when all I could do was hear his scream on replay until the second I entered that ice, and that...that was the first moment of peace I’d had since the fall.” 

Sam wants to tell him he did the right thing. He wants to say he did good. He wants to say being willing was enough. He’s not expected to save everyone. But he can’t bring himself to say the words, knowing they aren’t what Steve wants to hear. 

“So he’s alive. I’m alive. Both of us against all odds,” Steve goes wide eyed, like he still can’t believe it. “I’ve been stuck in ice for almost a century, and the whole time the people we were fighting to save the world from, turned the one person I loved most into a murdering machine.” Steve looks like he might be sick. He stops for a long minute before he shakes his head. “He’s not in Prague.” Steve says again, trying to push back from his dark thoughts. 

“But he was?” Sam asks quietly.

Steve nods. “I found him when we were in Istanbul,” Steve starts taking a deep breath. They’d been in Istanbul about four months ago. “He’d been holed up in a shack of an apartment. Complete bare bones. I snuck in while he was still out, remember we thought he’d been there for a while, right, but I came back and told you the place had been abandoned, that he must have been gone for a while.” 

Sam nods, he does remember. 

“Well, it was empty when I got there, but Bucky had walked in on me while I was still snooping around his things. I didn’t notice till he asked me if someone was coming for him.” Steve’s voice cracks, “He thought I was coming to warn him before an ambush or something.” 

“Smart guy,” Sam says.

“I told him I was the only one looking for him. He told me that was a lie because Hydra definitely had to be looking for him. So I amended and said I didn’t know if they were. I only knew what I was doing.” 

“So what? You guys made a pact or something?” Sam asks.

“Something like that.” Steve says quietly.

\---

Istanbul was a beautiful city to visit as a tourist or maybe even live if you were well off. Istanbul wasn’t a great place to live when you had no income and nothing to your name and you were on the run. Bucky’s apartment was almost empty. Anyone who didn’t know what they were looking for, would probably just assume the place had been abandoned. But Steve knew, this is just what life looks like when you’re in the middle of a war. Bare necessities, no roots, up and out in a moments notice. Bucky had never had the chance to come out of war, not like Steve had. 

“Are they coming for me?” 

Steve jumps, not having heard anyone enter the apartment, too wrapped up in the small pieces of Bucky he’d found left around the apartment. 

“Bucky,” Steve whispers. 

He looks good. Like he’s actually been eating. He’s carrying a bag of produce in his metal hand, and a small smile lifts on Steve’s face at the thought of Bucky produce shopping. 

“Are they coming for me?” Bucky asks again, taking a step closer to Steve.

“I’m the only one looking for you,” Steve responds.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “We both know that’s a lie.” 

Steve huffs, “Well I’m the only one smart enough to find you.” He amends. 

“What are you doing here, Steve?”

Steve’s eyes light up, “So you remember me?”

“Bits and pieces, comes the longer I’m out.” Bucky responds, choosing not to meet Steve’s gaze.

“That’s great, Buck!” Steve says excitedly, taking a step towards Bucky. Bucky instinctively takes a step back. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks again.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Steve responds lamely.

“I know, it’s why I keep having to leave, everywhere I go. It’s pretty annoying.” Bucky runs his hand through his long hair. Steve loves it. Bucky from the 1940s would hate it, but Bucky still looks good.

“Oh.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything, but he moves around the small apartment towards the fridge to put his produce away. When Bucky’s done and neither of them have said a word, he turns to Steve.

“So how’s this work?” He crosses his arms. 

“I, uh,” Steve stumbles.

Bucky scoffs, “God, it’s just like you, to not get past step one of a plan.” He shakes his head, and a small smile slips onto his lips before he catches himself and returns his face to a neutral expression of annoyance. “Did you just not actually expect to find me? So you didn’t have a plan for what you’d do if you did?” 

Steve scratches the nape of his neck with his hand that’s not holding the shield. And he’s still holding the shield, he’s just now realizing. In one fluid movement he flips the shield to his back and clips it onto his holster. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”

“Right, well,” Bucky leans against the counter, casual. Like there's not two super soldiers built for killing standing in this small apartment. “I’m sure you want me to come back with you. I’m sure you think if I come with you everything will work it’s way out. I’m sure you haven’t thought about how the US government would almost certainly charge me for war crimes. So forgive me, when I tell you, I won’t be coming with you.” 

Steve swallows. Bucky was right. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t think past finding Bucky, because he’d known in the back of his mind that finding Bucky was slim. And finding a Bucky that remembered who he was was even slimmer. 

“I’m not gonna leave, Buck,” Steve finally decides on. 

“I know.” Bucky clasps his hands together. “So we’re at a pretty weird spot, no? I’m not going with you, and you’re not leaving. So what do we do?” 

“You’re safe here?” Steve asks rather than responding.

“Safe as I can be.” 

“That’s all I care about.” Steve responds, completely serious in his words. 

Steve’s ignoring the itching feeling in his heart to beg Bucky to come with him. Because it’s not about Steve, it never has been. He’s here to make sure Bucky is safe, and if he can help him in any way, he will. 

“Right, but you’ll still hover in the back of my life to make sure.” 

“Probably.” Steve laughs a little. 

“And that other guy that’s with you. The one that hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” Steve reasons.

“Right, I wrecked his car, and tried to kill him, dropped him thousands of feet in the air with no air support. I think it’s fair to say he doesn’t like me.” Bucky rolls his eyes.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Steve repeats.

“I don’t want him around either,” Bucky responds, ignoring Steve. “I don’t want either of you hovering around me. It’s annoying. And you’re the furthest thing from subtle. So if Hydra even gets close, you two will tip them off long before I would.” 

Well, that’s a little offensive, but Steve bit back his argument. “So what do you want?”

Bucky sighs, “I want you to leave and go home, but I know you won’t do that. So if it makes you feel better we can communicate of course in an off grid manner. Tell you I’m doing fine, and if I’m leaving where I’m going so you can follow, and we’ll call it even as long as you don’t tell the other guy you found me.”

“I can’t lie to Sam,” Steve starts.

“If you could lie to me when you had that crush on the girl that worked at the soda shop for two months, then you can lie to Sam,” Bucky responds flippantly. 

“You remember th-”

Bucky stops him abruptly, “Like I said, bits and pieces.” 

\---

“So we’ve just been following the dude for months now,” Sam responds cooly as he receives the second coffee he ordered. 

“Yup,” Steve pops his ‘p’.

“And the bastard told you not to tell me.”

“He didn’t want anyone to know where he was. He only told me because he knew we’d follow either way. It was just more efficient to have me know, rather than have me running around town asking questions all the time.” 

“And you just went along with it?” 

“I can’t force him to come with us, Sam. It’s just not going to work that way.”

“And you haven’t actually talked to him in person since Istanbul?”

Steve shakes his head. “He just leaves notes when I follow him. Tells me where he’s going or that he’s doing fine. Sometimes he tells me something he remembered recently if it’s funny.” Steve shrugs. “I just don’t really think there’s another way to go about it.” 

Sam stares at him, “We could go home, that’s one way.”

  
Steve looks at him for a long moment. “I can’t.”

“No, you won’t.” Sam huffs, trying not to be annoyed. “Steve, I can’t pretend to understand your complex for the man. I know he was a best friend and stuff, but he tried to kill you multiple times, and he almost did. He’s safe. You know that now. Why not just go home?”

“I can’t go home without him, Sam. I can’t. And I won’t. If you want to go, then you can. I won’t hold it against you.”

“Man, you know that’s not how we work.” 

“Well, you didn’t sign up for this, so I’ve got to offer it.” 

“I think we should try to talk to him again. It’s been months, and he’s remembering more and more everyday. He might have a change of heart.”

“It doesn’t change what would happen to him if he comes back and has to face charges for seventy years of war crimes.” Steve grabs a biscotti off Sam’s plate and starts crunching away on it. Sam pretends to be annoyed, but let’s it go nonetheless. “He deserves to be free.” Steve  says. “He’s been tortured, brainwashed, living a life completely against his own will for decades. He deserves to be happy and free and do whatever he wants. If he wants to run, he should be able to. I wish he’d come home with me. Wish he’d live with me again. God, I wish so many things could happen, Sam, you have no idea. But if I force him to come home with us, I’m no better than Hydra.”

Sam scoffs, “There’s a difference between decades of forced murder and forcing him to come out of hiding.”

Steve shakes his head, “Not to me.”

Simple as that. Sam hates how self righteous and upstanding Steve is most of the time. He hates how life is black and white and no shades of grey. Right and wrong with nothing in between. That’s not life, unless you’re Captain America, with a serum embedded into your DNA which only amplified your already presumably good nature. 

“Sam, I love him.” Steve says quietly, “And I can’t leave him because I love him.”

Sam sighs, “I know you do. I just think if you talk to him, maybe there’s another way.”

They sit in silence for another fifteen minutes as Sam finishes his coffee, and Steve pulls out his old sketchbook and starts drawing. He’s been working on this same sketch for about a month. It’s Bucky, as he remembers him before the war, lying in a meadow of wildflowers, looking peaceful and happy.  _ How he should always be,  _ Steve thinks to himself. Bucky deserves to see the beautiful sights the world has to offer, if he wants that. He deserves fresh air and skylines and oceans and beaches. He deserves to feel loved or to be in love, to find love, something of the sorts. He should know what that feels like. Steve hopes one day Bucky’s able to feel that. Bucky deserves soft wildflowers in his hair like a beautiful flower crown atop his head. He deserves to never be touched against his will ever again. He deserves to only ever have his  _ own  _ thoughts now. And his own choices. And Steve can’t take any of that away from him, no matter how much he wants to be with Bucky. Bucky has to heal in his own timing, not Steve’s. 

Sam sets his cup down with a sense of finality. “Okay, let's go see this cathedral of yours.”

Steve’s face lights up, and Sam sighs. 

Sam trails behind Steve rather than next to him, somewhere lost in a wild train of thought. Having grown up in the twenty-first century, unlike Steve, he sees the world, and consequently people, a bit differently than Steve. Sam looks at Steve, and thinks he sees a ghost sometimes. Whatever Steve sees when he looks at Bucky, Sam thinks it might be similar to what he sees when he looks at Steve. 

Steve thinks Bucky is captive, and Sam thinks Steve is. 

Steve sees Bucky as a prisoner of war. Sam sees Steve as one too. 

Steve wants Bucky to be free and loved. Sam wants that for Steve too. 

The life sentence that Steve got when he became Captain America is, in a lot of ways, not much different than Bucky’s sentence. And yet it is something completely different. While Bucky was on the front lines of World War II, Steve was at home being paraded around in a uniform, a symbol of perverted propaganda. And then pushed into a platform as America and the Allies saving graces and last chance. While Steve died, somewhere in the Atlantic, Captain America lived on. Captain America was twisted and contorted and used in ways Steve could have never imagined. And when he woke up, unwilling, unaware, his mantle was thrown back in his face against his will. While Bucky was forced to kill for Hydra, Steve was forced to kill for America. He wasn’t tortured or brainwashed like Bucky, but Steve was in fact a product of war, an object of property of sorts of the Army and of Shield. Retirement was never really presented as an opportunity. After all, the serum was put in him so that he could fight. So fight, Steve, fight for everyone else who can’t. Choice wasn’t ever much of something Bucky or Steve got once war started. They’d both been fighting their own wars for the better part of a century. And as an outside observer, Sam could see both sides. Steve can’t see what he’s living in right now. Steve doesn’t see that so little of his recent life has been of his own choice. It took the Shield and subsequently the government falling apart for Steve to be able to run away and after Bucky. 

This was the most free Steve and Bucky had ever been. And just like Bucky deserved to feel free, Steve did too. 

The walk was short, and before Sam knows it they’re standing in front of a beautiful, tall cathedral. It’s stunning, and they stand on the street for a few minutes just staring up at the thing in complete awe.

“So, what’s the plan,” Sam whispers, not wanting to interrupt the beauty they’re beholding. 

“Supposed to be a note inside somewhere.” Steve responds, equally as quiet.

“How do you know where it’s at?” 

“I don’t, you just gotta find it.” Steve replies. 

Sam gapes for a moment, “Steve this place is huge, it could be anywhere.”

“Got all day,” Steve smiles cheesily, clapping Sam on the shoulder before taking a step forward to get to the door.

“Wait,” Sam says quickly, “Can you just like...walk into a church like that?”

Steve considers it for a moment, “Pretty sure most churches are just kinda open for people.”

Sam’s not so sure, but he follows Steve in anyway.

The building is mostly empty, with a few people in the front at a pew on their knees, praying Sam assumes. It feels weird just searching around a church for...what? A piece of paper? What’s a note from a super soldier on the run look like? Is it addressed to Steve? Is it handwritten or typed out? Sam and Steve slowly find a seat in the back row of the cathedral. 

“What’s the plan?” Sam asks quietly. 

“Search the back until the guys at the front leave,” Steve responds. 

“Half and half?” 

Steve nods and they both stand up as quietly as possible and start looking, Sam on the right side of the building, Steve on the left. The floor is tile, and the ceilings are high, so every small movement echoes. From across the sanctuary, Steve can’t hear a single movement of Sam’s, but he does hear something else. It’s not noticeable at first, he’s almost convinced it’s a simple ringing in his ear, but the closer Steve walks to the back corner of the church, the louder it becomes. It’s vaguely familiar, but Steve’s not sure where to place it until he hears a familiar whir that throws him back to a bridge in DC and a metal arm flying towards his face. 

Steve stops his movements, listening for the direction in which Bucky is no doubt hiding. Steve coughs in a manner to get Sam’s attention. Sam’s eyes shoot to meet Steve’s, and Steve gestures for Sam to join him. Sam eyes him for a moment, but eventually joins Steve. Steve puts his finger to his mouth, encouraging Sam to stay silent. He gestures his ear as if to say ‘listen’. Sam does, and by the looks of his eyes squinting, comes to the same conclusion of the sound that Steve did. 

There appears to be a back room for sound equipment close to their current position. Steve nods towards it, and they quietly walk towards the door. Steve opens the door in a quick movement to see Bucky sitting in a swivel chair, spinning. Sam and Steve step into the room, and shut the door.

Bucky turns to look at him, “The fuck is he doing here?” He asks gesturing to Sam.

Sam scoffs, “You’re in a church, man, c’mon.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “I thought we said we weren’t going to tell him,” Bucky says to Steve.

“Told you I was shit at lying to my partners.” Steve shrugs, “He figured it out on his own.”

“Doesn’t take a genius,” Sam retorts.

Steve steps closer to Bucky, ignoring Sam completely. “What are you doing here? Thought you said you were getting ready to leave?”

Bucky shrugs with his flesh shoulder, “Was planning on it,” he mumbles, looking down at his feet. “I like Prague. You like Prague, Steve?” 

Steve nods, throwing a confused glance at Sam quickly. “Yeah, it’s beautiful, Buck.” 

Bucky hums for a moment but says nothing. Something is off, not necessarily wrong, just different. Bucky is different. He appears less scared, yet more unsure. 

“Did you see where I was staying?” Bucky asks the floor.

Steve hums, “Only from a distance.”

“You should see it.” One side of Bucky’s lips pulled up into a small smile as he looked up to see Steve for a moment. “It looks familiar.”

“Familiar, how?”

“Like Brooklyn,” Bucky whispers, almost inaudible. Steve’s almost sure Sam can’t hear from across the room.

“Brooklyn, like...the buildings? Yeah, the big cities have lots of similarities nowadays.”

“No,” Bucky shakes his head. “No, Steve, like... _ Brooklyn _ .” Bucky looks at Steve with eyes pleading him to understand. “Like...before.” 

Steve questions for a moment, because Bucky is surely not referring to their tiny one room apartment from the 40s. “You mean…” Steve’s lips contort for a moment. If he’s misunderstanding, and that’s not what Bucky means, it’ll hurt Steve. He can feel the disappointment lying on the edge of his mind. “Where we lived....together?”

Bucky nods and then quietly, “Yeah.”

“Are you telling me…?”

“I remember it, yeah.” Bucky nods soberly. 

“All of it?” Steve asks despite everything in him telling him not to get his hopes up. 

“I think so,” Bucky whispers. 

Steve grunts out a quiet sob of desperation as he falls to his knees in front of Bucky. 

“Steve, I’m scared,” Bucky chokes out. Steve looks up at Bucky, who’s now about a foot taller than him from his place on the floor. 

“What do you mean?” Steve asks. Steve reaches out for Bucky, placing a gentle hand on his knee. Bucky doesn’t flinch or move, and every fiber in Steve Roger’s body is screaming. 

“I remember it  _ all _ ,” Bucky emphasizes. “All the way through Hydra. I remember it all. There’s like thirty good years there, in Brooklyn, with you, and then there’s just years and years of  _ darkness _ . I don’t know what to do with who I  _ was _ . Who I  _ am _ .” Bucky softly lays his hand on top of Steve’s and squeezes. “God, Steve, I have so many feelings. From Brooklyn, from living with you, from war, from the comandos, from falling, from Hydra. And I...I hadn’t felt any feelings besides fear and utter numbness for years. I didn’t think I could  _ feel _ anymore. And now, I know I can, what if I’m still bad anyway? What if they  _ made _ me a bad person?” Bucky’s smile is forlorn. 

Steve shakes his head, squeezing Bucky’s hand. “No, Bucky, that wasn’t you. None of that was you. If you can still feel the things from before, then you’re still in there somewhere. You’re still able to feel those things again. You can choose to be good now, Buck. You have chosen that, already. Every day you go around being a good person, that’s your own choice you’ve already made.”

“I don’t know, Steve,” Bucky whispers. 

“You said you’re scared?” Steve asks, and Bucky nods. “That itself, tells me you aren’t bad. Bucky you’re scared of being who they made you into, that already means that you’re not that person.”

“What if I go back?” Bucky questions.

“I won’t let you.” Steve says with all ferocity of a fighter. “I’m here, Sam’s here too,” Steve gestures behind him. “We’re here, hovering where you don’t want us to,” Bucky chokes on a laugh, nodding his head. “And we aren’t going to let anything like that happen to you ever again. We’re going to make sure you’re free to be you. You can just be Bucky now. Nothing else. You’re not Sergeant Barnes here.” Steve gestures between the two of them as if to say  _ when you’re with me. _ “You’re not the Winter Soldier here.” Steve smiles, “Just Bucky. That’s who you are in here,” Steve taps his heart lightly. 

“Why do you still care,” Bucky asks, pulling his hand out of Steve’s reach to tugo on a strand of his hair. “I’ve done too much shit, Steve.” 

Steve thinks for a moment. He knows the reason, but he takes a moment to think how best to explain it to Bucky so that he’ll understand. Steve takes a deep breath. “You remember that winter that was so cold, and you’d lost one of your jobs. We couldn’t afford to pay for the heat anymore. And my asthma got so bad, you had to go out and buy the cheapest blanket you could find. And then when we came home from the docks a couple days later, someone had broken into our apartment through the fire escape. And they’d taken all the blankets, including the new one. They’d taken the coat your ma bought you the year before. A few other things too. You remember that?” Bucky nods after a moment. “You remember what I told you when we came home and found our stuff gone?” 

“I remember saying it was fucking stupid, we didn’t have much to begin with, why would someone steal our shit. Blankets, who the fuck steals blankets.” Bucky huffed, “But you said, something fucking stupid, like maybe they needed them more than we did.” 

Steve nods. “Yeah, maybe they needed the blankets more than we did. I didn’t blame the person for stealing our shit, I just chose to hope they took it for a good reason. And remember two years later that young couple moved in next to us,” Steve switched topics.

“Jessie and Rory?” Bucky questions.

Steve nods. “And you remember, when Rory ran into our apartment one day scared shitless? And she was bleeding. She had a black eyes that had to be days old, but her knuckles were bleeding and she was shaking. You remember that?” 

Bucky nods.

“You remember why?”

“Dickwad Jessie was beating her.”

“Right, and it ain't like we called the cops on her for throwing a punch at the dick, right?” 

“No, you bandaged her hands, just like I’d do for you.” 

“Right. So just like I didn’t blame someone for stealing our blankets when it was cold as fuck outside, and we didn’t blame Rory for punching her abusive boyfriend, it is  _ not _ your fault for  _ any _ of the things you did while Hydra held you as a prisoner.” 

Bucky doesn’t respond.

“And I care,” Steve goes on, “Because you’re the only thing I have left in my life. You’re the only person who knows everything about me. You’re the only person alive, who knows Steve Rogers, idiot from Brooklyn, not Steve Rogers, Captain America. Just like I’m the only person who knows you, James Buchanan Barnes, the one who bandaged all my wounds. Not Sergeant Barnes, or The Winter Soldier. Us old super soldiers gotta stick together, and I’m not leaving you ever again. Because you’re my best friend. My oldest friend. And I love you, Bucky.” 

“Yeah?” Bucky whispers. 

“Yeah.” Steve says, smiling a watery smile. “You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried, pal.”

“I’m tired of running, Steve.”

“So stop.”

“Can’t be that simple,” Bucky laughs a bit.

“Can be, if you make it that simple. You can come home with me, and whatever waits for you, we’ll fight it together. We’ll run together if we have to, at least then you don’t have to be alone.” Steve grasps Bucky by the neck, “Let’s go home, Bucky.”

“I don’t know what home is anymore.”

“So let’s make a new one, together. It can be whatever you want it to be.” 

“Maybe we just stay in Prague for a couple weeks to figure it out?” Bucky asks hopefully, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t wanna be alone anymore, and I think I would like to be with you again.” 

Steve smiles, a real, full bodied smile. “Okay, yeah we can do that. I want that too, Bucky. God, I want that more than you know.”

Bucky smiles back, still a little sad, but lighter and happier than he’s been since it’s all started. “You wanna see my place then?”

Steve nods, “Yeah, god, yeah Buck.”

Bucky stands up, “And I guess he can come too.” He gestures to Sam.

“Gee, thanks bro.” Sam rolls his eyes. Bucky leads them out of the small room, and out towards the street. “You guys are fucking depressing as shit, you know that right?” Sam asks from behind them. 

Steve flips him off, “Up yours, Sam.” 

“Love you too, Stevie,” Sam says sickeningly sweet.

“Fuck you too, Sam.” Steve yells as he pulls his arm around Bucky’s shoulder. “So where are we going, Buck?”

**Author's Note:**

> okay, let me know what you think because i can't decide if i wanna go ahead and kind of complete this journey and write more or just leave it at this. 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr 
> 
> farfrombucky.tumblr.com


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